"How long have I got left?"

Last May, my brother-in-law, Paul, who has a deep gentleness and a keen sense of humor, found out that he had incurable lung cancer. Out of nowhere, he was facing death. He was 36 and had always been healthy. Our family was floored.

This week, he wrote a beautiful essay for the New York Times about what the experience has been like. At first, he thought he had only a few months, but now, because of a new treatment, he may live longer. (Two years? Five years? Ten years? The doctors don't know.) And that uncertainty is disorienting.

"The path forward would seem obvious," he writes, "if only I knew how many months or years I had left. Tell me three months, I’d just spend time with family. Tell me one year, I’d have a plan (write a book). Give me 10 years, I’d get back to treating diseases [as a neurosurgeon]. The pedestrian truth that you live one day at a time didn’t help: What was I supposed to do with that day? My oncologist would say only: 'I can’t tell you a time. You’ve got to find what matters most to you.' "
We all know are going to die, and we don't know when, but as Paul says, "now I know it acutely."

Read his beautiful essay here, if you'd like. Thank you so much for sharing, Paul. We love you. xoxo

(Top illustration by Tucker Nichols for the New York Times)

Juggling date

To spice up the winter, Alex and I have booked some funny dates through HowAboutWe, the dating and relationships site that helps plan amazing dates for couples. You browse their list of dates, book the ones you like, and go. They take care of all the details. It's great for people who want to do exciting offbeat stuff but don't have time or energy to plan everything themselves.
We've been lucky enough to get massages at home (woo hoo!) and take a pool lesson, and last week, we went to a juggling class, which was one of the funniest dates we've ever gone on.
Our teacher, Heather, learned to juggle when she was in the circus (naturally).
She had us start with scarves, which are of course slower and easier than juggling balls.
Heather explained that juggling is not only a fun party trick, but it's also incredibly calming and meditative. When you're juggling, you can't think (or stress out) about anything else, so it really clears your head. Pro athletes often juggle to increase coordination, and studies show that it can actually increase grey matter in your brain.
She told us to pretend we were robots, so that our bodies would stay in the same position and just repeat the movements...
Easier said than done!
We were all over the place, and I was dying laughing.
And it was a surprising workout! Throwing and picking up the balls makes your heart pound. At one point, Alex said, "I'm literally sweating. I have rivulets coming down my forehead."
The juggling class was such a fun activity on a winter afternoon, and we must have been belly laughing for 95% of the date. (And Toby was PSYCHED when his parents returned home knowing how to juggle:) Thank you so much for the idea, HowAboutWe. (And three other dates that look awesome: A "naked" scavenger hunt at the Met, an couples astrology reading and side-by-side acupuncture and reflexology.)
I'd highly recommend HowAboutWe for Couples. You can sign up for free and browse their creative dates in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, Seattle and—as of this week—Los Angeles! BONUS: Get $50 off your first date through this link, until April 30th. Thanks so much, HowAboutWe.

Check out all their dates here.

Have you been on any fun dates lately? Any recommendations?

P.S. More NYC date ideas, including fire-escape drinks and massages at home.

(This post was sponsored by HowAboutWe, a service that gets people in relationships on wonderful dates, tailored for two. All opinions expressed are our own. Thank you for supporting the sponsors that make Cup of Jo possible. Photos by our friend Julia Robbs for Cup of Jo)

Funny Valentine's Day cards

I'm planning to mail Alex a Valentine's Day card to his office. There's something sexy about opening your boring work mail and suddenly finding a card from your significant other, don't you think? (At least I hope so:) Emily McDowell's cards made me laugh...
I would have loved this one in my twenties.
And her other cards are sweet/hilarious for different occasions.

I'm curious: What's your relationship status this year? Single? Engaged? Married? It's complicated? xoxo

P.S. You can buy her cards in these shops, too.

(Thanks, Nina)

The art of presence

David Brooks wrote a beautiful piece in the New York Times about how to help people who are suffering or grieving. It was inspired by the Woodiwiss family, who has endured multiple traumas. Here are a few of their thoughtful tips that struck me...

*****

Do be there. Some people think that those who experience trauma need space to sort things through. Assume the opposite. Most people need presence.

Don’t compare, ever. Don’t say, “I understand what it’s like to lose a child. My dog died, and that was hard, too.” Even if the comparison seems more germane, don’t make it. Each trauma should be respected in its uniqueness. Each story should be heard attentively as its own thing.

Do bring soup. The non-verbal expressions of love are as healing as eloquence. When Mary was living with Catherine during her recovery, some young friend noticed she didn’t have a bathmat. He went to Target and got a bathmat. Mary says she will never forget that.

Do not say “you’ll get over it.” “There is no such thing as ‘getting over it,’ " Catherine writes, “A major disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no ‘back to the old me.’ ”

Do be a builder. The Woodiwisses distinguish between firefighters and builders. Firefighters drop everything and arrive at the moment of crisis. Builders are there for years and years, walking alongside as the victims live out in the world. Very few people are capable of performing both roles.

*****

Read the full column here. It's so enlightening. Have you lost a loved one or been through a trauma? What did people say or do that brought you comfort? My mom once told me that when her mother died, people would seem scared of bringing it up, as if they didn't want to remind her, but of course she was thinking of her mother all the time.

P.S. Encouragement.

(Photo by Nicole Franzen)

What kind of accent do you have?

What kind of accent do you have? While growing up in Michigan, my brother, sister and I picked up slight Michigan accents. We'd say things like "maahm" instead of "mom," and "caehr" instead of "car," and "Bab" instead of "Bob." After living in New York for twelve years, I've basically lost it, but sometimes when I drink too much wine, it can randomly bust out again. Yes, Michigan!

George Mason University collects speech samples from around the world, and everyone has to read this paragraph: "Please call Stella. Ask her to bring these things with her from the store: Six spoons of fresh snow peas, five thick slabs of blue cheese, and maybe a snack for her brother Bob. We also need a small plastic snake and a big toy frog for the kids. She can scoop these things into three red bags, and we will go meet her Wednesday at the train station."

Have you taken the fascinating dialect quiz that has spread like wildfire online? What answer did you get? (It pinpointed that I was from Michigan.) And in the video above, actress Amy Walker does 24 different accents (some are better than others). The California one made me laugh out loud.

What kind of accent do you have?

P.S. What British people say versus what they really mean, and Toby in conversation.

(Speech archive found by the brilliant Kottke)

Pillow talk

This past fall, when I was feeling bummed out, Alex and I started a tradition to try to cheer me up...

When we would lie down in bed at night, we each had to say:
* two things you're grateful for overall
* two little things you enjoyed that day
* one reason why you're glad you're married to the other person

It was so nice to end the day with this little chat, and we would tell each other anecdotes and compliments that we might not have otherwise. And it really was a pick-me-up! Even though I'm (thankfully) starting to feel better now, we're planning to keep it up.
Do you do anything like this? Gratitude journals are supposed to be awesome. (Here are six surprising tips about how to keep one.)

P.S. Encouragement and the no-complaining challenge.

(Photos from our friend's cabin a while back)

15 Genius Tips for Living in Small Spaces

Erin Boyle of Reading My Tea Leaves and Gardenista and her husband live together in seriously small quarters—a 240-square-foot studio, to be exact. She agreed to share her surprising tips about how to make it work (and not drive each other crazy)...Read More >

The psychology behind The Bachelor

My aunt Lulu is visiting this week (we're all ecstatic!) and of course on Monday night we drank wine and watched The Bachelor. She was totally into it, but kept saying, "Who are these poor women? Why would they put themselves through this?" And I remembered this fascinating New York Times article by Andrea Seigel about the psychology behind the reality TV shows, including the Bachelor...

*****

Just as “Survivor” isn’t really about enduring life on a deserted beach, “The Bachelor” isn’t really about dating or marriage. It pretends to be about romance by using props like red roses and satin evening wear and shimmering-wet driveways so that it looks as if the mansion just got hit by a John-Cusack-movie rain, but it’s really about science — which you might even think of as the opposite of romance, especially if you aren’t a scientist. In fact, if “Survivor” is about being unable to escape who you really are when you’re dropped into uncomfortable conditions, then I would say that “The Bachelor” is about forgetting who you really are when everybody around you gets lost in the same overpowering fiction. The show is this generation’s Stanford Prison Experiment.

“The Bachelor” is the prison guard, and his potential fiancées are the inmates. I’m not suggesting that the dynamic is inherently abusive, although it can be—this past season, Bachelor Ben would shut down any woman who expressed fear of his rejection, which was especially weird, seeing as how he was rejected himself during the previous “Bachelorette” season while down on bended knee.

From the first night of the season, the producers keep the alcohol flowing, and the contestants stay awake until it’s nearly sunrise, working hard to get the attention of one person. One person who has generally been pretty lackluster. With every new season, people complain that “The Bachelor” has proved to be a terrible model for building lasting relationships, which is like complaining that politicians are just trying to win votes. The show could improve its track record only by setting out to make matches between S.-and-M. partners.

I’ve always believed that if you’re truly in love with someone, you shouldn’t be able to answer the question “What do you love about him?” with any kind of real satisfaction. The things you’re able to articulate should leave you at least a little hollow. Contestants on “The Bachelor” will usually have to answer this question for his family, and there will be the usual adjectives like “kind” and “generous” and “funny.” It’s not that I think anyone is intentionally lying, but that they’re describing traits that belong to the set of circumstances more than the person. “The Bachelor” is kind because he has no reason not to be; if he becomes disillusioned with you, he can just send you home. He’s generous because he has a production team purchasing intense, expensive experiences for your dates. He’s funny because you’ve both been flown to a charming village in Switzerland and a funny little cow wandered up behind your picnic. If you want to insist that the show is about falling in love, then it’s more accurate to say it’s about falling in love with being on vacation.

I became especially fascinated with the 13th season of the show, when Jason Mesnick first proposed to Melissa in the finale, then decided that he was really in love with the runner-up, Molly, by the time of the update special. What happened with Melissa during those six weeks of engagement? “The conversations, which were so great on the show, were completely different,” Jason tried to explain. What I think he was really saying was, So we went to a movie in a normal theater. With other people around us. With bad popcorn. Walking out of the theater, she said, “That’s my new favorite movie!” I thought to myself, Really? That movie? And in that moment, I realized that was going to be our whole lives.

*****

Read the full article here, if you'd like. And the women are't even allowed to watch TV or read books; their only escape from the house is to go on a date with the bachelor, right? Talk about losing perspective! Do you watch the show?